What a week…

I am sorry for the gap in blogs.  There is so much of my old life in conflict with my new life.  It is a very difficult juggling act.  I am not working at the moment which some how has made me more busy then ever.  The precious five or ten minutes to myself that I so long for seems forever out of reach.

I have been learning more each day about what is happening in my head with all the changes.  I had hoped to attend a reunion of sorts in Birmingham with a group of fabulous chicks who also had their surgery with Cosmetic Bliss.  It didn’t happen in the end for many reasons.  Not the least of which are the input of those in my life that don’t understand what this all means and how it effects my head.  They just tend to make things harder.  I need a quiet life and there are times that I know decision needs to be made that will keep things a bit more “Zen” in order to keep me on track.  I am broken and fragile.  This was the revelation of the week.  I need order and I need help.  I am an addict!  Probably doomed from the start to be this person I have become.  The difference now is I am thin.  But, the line between keeping myself under control food is beyond hard sometimes.  I am beginning to think it is time to go deeper.  As much as I feel my slimming club keeps me on an even keel in many ways.  I have realised that I need to delve deeper.  I need the acknowledgement that there  is something within me that is broken.  More importantly I need to be with those who “get it”….  I am not crazy, but I am not well either.

I know I have gone a bit off topic with all this.  The crazy ramblings of a food junky.  But, I am hitting a wall and I don’t know how to get past it.  This isn’t my usual weight wall.  In fact my weight is probably more stable then it ever has been.  But, this is a lonely place.  With each pound that comes off I find myself thinking, maybe over thinking actually.  I wonder if the reason I need to run with music is that I am not happy to be alone with my thoughts.  I have so many regrets and feel like I have made so many mistakes.  This reinvention lark is harder then it looks.

I have once again found myself without a job.  But, again in my quest for peace and that ever elusive feeling of zen, I am trying to go the “everything happens for a reason road.  Maybe it does and the this weeks lesson will to be to figure out the purpose.


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