What is beauty anyway?

I have always been an avid people watcher.  But, lately I noticed myself observing people who resemble the way I used to look, in other words, the larger of those among us.  I am fascinated watching from the outside for a change.  I remember that familiar tug on the hem of my top trying desperately to cover every bit of myself.   I all too often remember looking out the window of the bus so as not to meet the gaze of the person opposite me, looking at me in disgust.  “How did she let herself get like that? “ I would imagine them thinking.  I all too well recall the deep breath to bring my clavicles together, followed by forcing my arms together to try to physically make myself smaller in order to take up less space.

I think what people who have never been obese would struggle to understand is how absolutely trapped in your own body you feel.  I spent my whole life trying to make myself smaller, whether through diet or through metaphor.   When it finally happened it was in many ways like being released from prison, albeit a prison of my own making.  I embraced the whole concept of “curves”.  But, seriously I think the concept has been twisted a bit to make women in particular feel better about themselves.  I totally get it although oddly my body image has become so distorted I don’t think I know what is beautiful anymore.  It is definitely something more internal.   It is so hard, food has so much power.  I had hoped once I lost weight I would be able to conquer it.  But, like all addictions, a bit of surgery does not solve the problem.  It is a struggle, one day at a time.

Weight is such a funny thing.  I still struggle with food, a lot.  I am so careful because I feel like this thin privilege is such a big gift.  With all the plastic surgery I have had I feel a bit like my body is not completely mine.  I suppose because it was all filmed as well, I feel like a steward and it is my obligation to look after the gift I have been given. I struggle, but will persevere, I hope…


One response to “What is beauty anyway?

  1. Hang in there. I believe you have to lose it in your heart and head first. Then the body follows.

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